Not A Normal Monthly Overview

Well, around this time of the month I would usually be posting my monthly overview, covering achievements from the previous month and goals for the month ahead.

This time, I won’t be doing that. I didn’t post at all throughout May, and would like to take this opportunity to explain why.

For those of you who are familiar with my blog and have read my posts, you will know that I am not happy in my current job and haven’t been for some time.

You will also be aware that I suffered from depression in my younger years.

Anyway, let me start at the beginning.

I have been working for a recruitment agency since January 2017, in their accounts department where I process weekly payroll for the contractors. I was employed as a part-time payroll administrator to work alongside a full-time administrator, a full-time payroll queries manager and another payroll manager (yeah, I don’t know why either) who was currently off on maternity leave, to return on part-time hours.

Now, for those of you who have worked in this environment before, you will be aware that payroll is a repetitive, boring task which is well suited to someone who likes routine in their job. This is not me, for a start. I am, however, a very hard worker, and will accomplish any job quickly and efficiently if that is what I’m paid to do.

I have to admit, there were red flags right from the beginning, but the hours suited me so I persevered.

My co-worker Emma*, the full-time payroll administrator, was a friendly girl but infuriatingly chatty, which became a real issue on our busier days. She was also incredibly lazy, and clearly felt that she was above completing payroll tasks now that there was a new member of staff to do them instead.

I found myself working harder to complete tasks on my own rather than raise the issue of her laziness with the management, who spent a lot of their time sat around chatting too.

I began asking for extra tasks to do to break up the mind numbingly dull repetition of timesheets and expense forms, but the managers were totally ignorant to the fact that I was doing the majority of the work and then some.

When Emma confided in me that she had been offered another job, I encouraged her to go for it, pointing out how terrible our current jobs were. In the back of my mind, I was a little gleeful – once she left, there would be no doubt who the real worker was, and I would at last get some recognition.

Yes, in hindsight it does sound ruthless, but that wasn’t the case. I was just sick of doing all the work while somebody else took the credit for it.

Everything went to plan. Emma left and was replaced by Jen*, an older lady and a typical administrator. She wasn’t as fun as Emma but at least she was there to work, and not to gossip. I took on the task of training her up and we quickly became a formidable team. The department improved in leaps and bounds.

During this time, the second payroll manager (why?) Lorna* returned from maternity leave. I had been pre-warned about Lorna by Emma, who claimed that she was terribly lazy and shied away from hard work – pot, kettle and black came to mind but, as Lorna trained Emma up, it wasn’t difficult to detect a pattern.

Everything that I had heard about Lorna was true, and she and the other payroll manager Kirsten* proceeded to spend the majority of the day sat chatting while Jen and I worked our backsides off. We spent a great deal of time complaining amongst ourselves, but there didn’t appear to be anything else we could do. The management team were a clique of women who had worked together for years, and so it was pointless complaining because they were the best of friends.

Eventually, Jen lost all motivation and I found myself again taking on the majority of the tasks, plus extra jobs, while she dawdled and faffed around. After persevering for a few weeks, I appealed to Kirsten in the hope that she would step in as manager. Instead, they fired Jen, leaving me as the only payroll administrator.

This was at the end of March. For two months now, I have been toiling away at a two-person job with barely any help. When Kirsten or Lorna do deign to help out, it is grudgingly and Lorna in particular will do the bare minimum in very bad grace.

A couple of weeks back, I did complain about the lack of support I was getting, but nothing has changed. I am, quite honestly, losing the will to live, so to speak, and something needs to change. I have been on my own now for two months and, as I only work part-time, it is just too much.

The life coaching company I was attempting to start back in April has run aground – I am exhausted, and can’t find the motivation anymore. I haven’t even posted on the Instagram or Facebook page for weeks. How can I promote a happier life when I am just not happy?

This past week, I took annual leave but haven’t had the energy to do anything. Mid-week, I spent a lot of time in such an unhappy state that I cried. This is not right, and I need to do something about it.

Yesterday, I applied for another job.

I decided to write this down today as a therapeutic exercise. I needed to get it all off my chest so I’m not bogged down by negative thoughts all weekend. I also wanted to explain the reason behind my absence. I do apologise if it has put any of you on a downer; that’s assuming you actually read to the end. I’m trying to state facts rather than going off on an emotional rant!

Hopefully I will be back to normal very soon, and I’m sorry for the depressing post.

Under the Weather

I am so tired today. I mean, like really, really tired. Bone weary.

There is no apparent reason. I’ve been off work this past week, so that can’t be held to blame. I didn’t do much yesterday, apart from shop in Ikea and then watch TV for the rest of the day.

Okay, so the Ikea trip could have done it, as it has a tendency to become very stressful if you aren’t in the right frame of mind. But I had plenty of time to get over that, and then I got a reasonably early night. I woke at my usual day off time of 6.20am. Yes I know, an awful time to wake on your day off, but I like early mornings, especially when I don’t have to go anywhere and can relax with a cup of tea and a book.

Anyway, so I woke at the usual time, and instantly felt exhausted and just generally under the weather. I naturally assumed it was a result of the two glasses of white wine I drank last night, as I’m generally a red girl. But it is quite unusual to feel hungover after just two glasses.

There may actually be a genuine reason why I am so tired. I had a blood test done earlier this week and have received a letter asking me to make an appointment with my GP to discuss the results. I’m pretty sure I know what they will be already. I myself requested the aforementioned tests to be carried out, to find out if there had been any changes since my last blood tests.

For the past eight years, I have been attending my local health centre every 3 months to have a vitamin B12 injection, after a blood test in 2009 showed that levels were extremely low. For those of you who aren’t familiar with vitamin B12 and it’s benefits, as I wasn’t in 2009, a deficiency is actually worse than you would imagine.

Vitamin B12 is a water-soluble vitamin that has a key role in the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system, helps to keep red blood cells healthy and aids in the creation of DNA. It also helps to prevent megaloblastic anaemia, which makes people tired and weak. Vitamin B12 is not naturally created by the body, and must be absorbed from the food we eat, or supplements we take. It is found in a wide variety of animal foods, such as dairy, meat, and poultry, which means vegans probably rate highly on the list of people most likely to be B12 deficient! 

Most people in this day and age do get the recommended dosage of B12 from the foods they eat, and supplements they take. However, some people have trouble absorbing it from food. Like me, for example.

So what happens when you don’t get enough vitamin B12? Now this is the scary bit. When I first discovered I had a vitamin B12 deficiency, I went home and googled it to find out exactly what I was dealing with. My GP had told me I should wear a tag to inform other people of the condition, like diabetics do, so I assumed it was going to be bad. The first thing that struck me was so many ailments I have suffered from throughout my life were neatly explained to me within one Wikipedia page. Fatigue, lethargy, listlessness, constipation, headaches, loss of appetite. Tingling in the hands and feet, a pale complexion, depression, confusion, poor memory, dementia. 

Yep, I have suffered from the majority of these at some point in my life. In fact, when I was diagnosed, I was going through a bad period with my depression. I was deeply unhappy, my brain was a muddle; I thought I was going mad. My GP requested a blood test, and when the results came back.. well, it explained everything. I immediately undertook a crash course in vitamin B12 injections to boost my levels, one injection a day for a week, then one a week for a month, and from then on one every 3 months for the rest of my life. 

If you are suffering from any of the above symptoms and you are struggling to find a reason or a cure, get down to your local health centre and request a blood test. B12 is vital to the correct functioning of the body, and a suspected deficiency should be taken seriously. 

Although I’ve come to detest those injections, they are crucial to my life nowadays. Since I discovered a potential reason for my depression, things have improved so much, and I feel like I have control of myself these days. And all thanks to a prick in my arm every three months. 😉